


I will always be here for you

by Kpop_Quail



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: A lot of cursing, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Bad Puns, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 11:54:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17304131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kpop_Quail/pseuds/Kpop_Quail
Summary: It's late, way too late... and Changbin is afraid of loosing Felix





	I will always be here for you

 

It was late, too late. It was 2:45 in the morning and Changbin was still awake, staring sadly out the window. It was hard, having to get up at 8:00 am every morning for dance practice after only having fallen asleep and 5:00, but Changbin had convinced himself he could cope, even with only two to three hours, and sometimes even no sleep at all.

“Changbin, seriously. Pull yourself together. We have a performance in two weeks and you’re still having trouble with the first three steps. Are you sure there’s nothing wrong? You’re usually not like this…” Chan commented the younger tripped over his own foot for the fifth time that morning. “I know it’s early, but you’ve literally messed up more times today than the rest of us have put together in the past two weeks. The rest of us are tired too.”

“I know, I know. I’m trying, I swear…” Changbin whispered, tears of frustration already threatening to spill from his eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I swear I don’t! Just- just give me a minute…”  
When dance practice was over Changbin had managed to stumble into Minho, trip over Woojins foot, and bump into Jisung, all of which had then grumbled about his clumsiness. He had also, somehow, beaten his record for most mess ups in the first thirty seconds, which had been three, and was now fifteen.

“Changbin, wait up!” It was Felix, hurrying to catch Changbin before he vanished into his room. “Please, I just want to talk to you for a little bit.”

“Yeah? Well maybe I don’t want to talk.” spat Changbin.

“No, seriously. I am going to talk to you. Whether you want me to or not.” retorted the younger, grabbing Changbin by the wrists and pinning him to the wall. “I’m worried about you. Everyone else is to. And I’m not going to stop talking to you until you tell me why you’ve been like this for the past like, three months.”

And there was the problem. He couldn’t tell Felix. Because Felix was the reason he was like this, well not completely, but mostly. He loved Felix, more than in a friendly way, and had for a long time. But then when the younger had almost been (well had been) eliminated, he had begun to fear losing him. So he had spent his nights obsessing over Felix, different scenarios and what he would do if JYP kicked him out again. He had pushed everyone, especially Felix, away hoping he would become detached and not feel so bad about being alone, but in truth, it had only made him feel worse. He hated being alone, missed the warm hugs of the others, but he always refused them, not wanting to become used to affection again. So Changbin was literally touch starved.

“No, I can’t tell you!” he whispered hoarsely, panicking, struggling to get out of Felix’s grip. But the younger refused to let go, and only held his wrists against the wall on either side of his head with even more force. “Please, please, just let me go…”

“I can’t Changbin, and don’t even bother asking. You already know why.” Changbin just glared at Felix and tried to jerk out of his hold. “Seriously Changbin, I know you aren’t our top dancer, but not even you should mess up this much. Yes, our schedules are hectic, and yes, it might be stressful preparing for our performance, but that is no excuse to stay up all night without sleeping.”

“How did you know about that? I thought no one knew! Oh no, if Chan finds out he’s going to kill me…” the older whispered, his eyes shining with pure fear and panic.

“Well, to answer your first question, I’m not that deep of a sleeper. I wake up to you crying from across the hall almost every night at like three in the morning. And don’t worry, I’m not about to tell Chan.” Felix’s voice was filled with worry, and his eyes shone with hurt. “But if you stay up late one more time, I swear I will abduct you and make sure you get at least eight hours of sleep. Even if it means going to your room and spending the whole entire night there.” he lowered his voice to a playful, but still very threatening growl. Please do… thought Changbin, closing his eyes at the thought. But no, he quickly shut down the thought, reminding himself that he swore not to become attached to anyone.

“Um… you actually want me to..?” Felix’s slightly confused voice snapped him back out of his thoughts. “Because I would… maybe even gladly do that..?” Shit, he had said his thought out loud. Well, there’s no backing out now Changbin, well done. He silently cursed him for not being more careful.

“What? No! Sorry, I sometimes have a habit of saying things I don’t mean to say. I just accidentally say what I’m thinking, Wait no, that came out wrong, I just- you know what, nevermind…” But instead of getting mad, the younger just laughed a little at how flustered Changbin had become, a soft pink blush spreading up his face.

“You’re adorable when you’re embarrassed, come on. I still haven’t forgotten about my promise to talk to you. And this time, you will tell me why you stay up all night.”

Half an hour later Felix had Changbin pinned to the wall again, this time in his own room instead of in the middle of the hall, and was trying to slowly coax an answer out of the older.

“Ok, so you’ve been trying to distance yourself from the rest of us because you don’t want to be hurt if one of us gets eliminated again. But that still doesn’t explain why you stay up all night, it literally only explains why you’ve been refusing to hug any of us anymore. So, why exactly do you stay up all night crying?” He punctuated his sentence with a sharp jab to the ribs, just a little hard than necessary, but not hard enough to hurt Changbin.

“I get nightmares.” the older said, not looking Felix in the eye, hoping his half-truth would be enough to satisfy him. He was in no way lying, he did get nightmares, but it was far from the main reason for his irregular sleeping (well more like not sleeping) pattern. But Felix wasn’t buying it.

“What kind of nightmares? What are they about? And if you had nightmares you would sleep first. No one stays up all night avoiding nightmares, not even you would do that.”

“I don’t know. I just don’t sleep. I can’t sleep.”

“Yes you do know, and I will stay with you all night and make sure you sleep if you don’t tell me.” It was more of a promise than a threat, but both options made Changbin equally uncomfortable. In all honesty, all he wanted Felix to do was force him to tell the younger why he was having trouble sleeping, and then spend all night with him for the rest of forever. But he didn’t say that. He kept quiet and looked away from Felix’s steady gaze. “Fine, if you won’t tell me, I guess I’ll just have to make you.” And before Changbin could do anything to protest, Felix released the grip on one of his wrists, tipped his head to face the younger, and planted a kiss straight (no actually it’s gay) on Changbin’s lips.

He fought it for a few moments, leaning back trying to get away, but gave up after less than two seconds, and melted into Felix’s arms. This is what he needed, what he had been craving for months. For Felix to return his feelings. But what if he’s just trying to get you to talk? Does he actually like you back, or is he just trying to get me to tell him what’s bothering me? Don’t be silly, of course he doesn’t love you. What could you have done to make Felix love you? You’re undeserving of anyone’s love, you worthless piece of shit. Doubting thoughts whirled through his head, forcing him to spiral down into the dark abyss of negativity.

Gasping Changbin twisted away, pulling his arm from Felix’s grasp, and ran away to the bathroom before the younger could see the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“Changbin! I’m sorry, please come back!” Felix’s voice was muffled slightly from behind the bathroom door, and it rattled as he tried to open it. It’s no use. He just feels sorry for you, they all just feel bad for you. They would all abandon you without a second thought. You mean nothing to them. The venomous voice in his head hissed as the tears in his eyes finally began to fall down his face. Blindly he reached over and opened the little drawer by the sink and felt around in it before his fingertips came in contact with smooth, cold metal. It had been only a month ago, when he swore he would never turn to the little blade again, and here he was already going back for some relief of the pain he felt inside.

No, stop. Stop! Don’t do this to yourself! Stop! The last shred of logic in his mind pleaded. It won’t help with anything! Please stop! But it didn’t work, and before Changbin knew it, he was already pressing the wickedly sharp edge of the little knife to the soft skin on his thigh. You deserve this pain, and so much more. The demon in his head spat. Why haven’t you killed yourself yet, it would be so much better that way. For you, and everyone that’s ever encountered you.

“Seo Changbin. What the fuck are you doing in there? You’ve been in there for almost half an hour, so get your ass out here right now before I do it for you!” Felix’s voice was panicked, and slightly too high-pitched to be normal. But when the older tried to answer, tried to say everything was fine, all that he got out was a choked off sob and a pathetic whimper. “Changbin, come out here right now, or I swear to god I will kick down the door.”

“I-I’m fine-” But to his dismay, his voice cracked right in the middle of the sentence and he finished with another broken sob. “I’ll be out in- in a minute.” There was no answer, except for another rattle of the door. Sighing, Changbin picked up the little knife again, this time completely bypassing his bleeding thighs and bringing it up to his wrist. The metal glinted wickedly in the artificial lighting, sending a shiver down his spine. So this was the end…

“Changbin! I swear to god-” Fear coursed through Felix as he paced outside the bathroom door. Something wasn’t right. No sound was to be heard when Felix pressed his ear to the door, but he did pick up something else. Closing his eyes, Felix inhaled sharply, trying to identify the slightly tangy smell seeping through the door. Blood. “Shit- Changbin! What the fuck!” So, without thinking, Felix stepped back and step-side kicked the door. It splintered apart within seconds, adrenaline coursing through Felix as he kicked it one last time. And his world fell apart.

Changbin was lying slumped against the opposite wall, blood from a gash in his wrist pooling around him at an alarming rate.

“Shit shit shit. Changbin, what the fuck? What if it’s my fault- If you die it’s my fault. Oh my god, hang in there just a little longer, please. I love you so, so much.” Now, all of a sudden, Felix was glad his parents had forced him to start doing taekwondo. Quickly, he moved over to to the little first aid cabinet they had and pulled out an ace bandage. It wasn’t meant to be used for stopping blood loss, but if he tied it tight enough on the upper part of Changbin's arm, it would cut of blood flow from his wrist, causing less blood to reach the open wound in his wrist.

Out of all days, why the fuck did Chan choose today to take the rest of the members to run errands? Fuck I’m glad he told me to stay behind and clean up. Thoughts like these coursed through Felix’s head as he tried to patch up Changbin as well as possible. So, in the end, the older ended up with a crudely stitched up arm wrapped in an ace bandage with another bandage tied tightly around his arm cutting off blood from his hand and wrist. Fuck I’m glad they forced me to do boy scouts.

Changbin woke up two hours later to a searing pain in his left wrist, a warm somebody wrapped around him, and that somebody whispering panicked pleas for him to wake up and soft whispers of “I love you so, so much.” in a low voice that could only belong to Felix.

“Felix? What are you doing here? Why am I still alive?” His croaky voice sounded strange and foreign, and the younger jolted slightly out of surprise.

“Changbin! You’re awake, oh my god- thank you- I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry!” Tears started flowing freely down Felix’s face, staining his delicate features.

“What? Why- I thought- I thought you guys didn’t care so I- I just- I felt like I should…” Guilt washed over him, causing the snake in his head to hiss about being selfish, and not caring.

“Changbin, baby, look at me. Do I look like I don’t care? We all care so much. And no one, no one, cares as much as I do. Because I love you Changbin, just the way you are, and nothing anyone or anything does is going to change that.” But instead of answering, Chanbin just stared at Felix, completely forgetting the pain in his wrist.

“Wha-what did you call me?” he stammered uncertainty, not sure in his fogged up mind had just made it up.

“Changbin?”

“No, after that.”

“Baby?” Felix blushed a little, only then realizing what he'd just said.

“Yeah, that.”

“Do you like when I call you that? Or should I stop?”

“Yes and no.”

“Ok, I’ll keep calling you that then… Could I- um… can I kiss you?”

“Please do.” So before Changbin had time to process what had just happened a pair of soft lips crashed into his. The kiss was gentle, but also slightly longing and needy, as if it was something that should have happened a long time ago.

After a few moments Changbin pulled away to catch his breath, panting slightly, and then broke down.

“I’m s-sorry! I’m so sorry! It’s all my fault, I don’t de-deserve you guys! I’m just a burden so I- I thought just.. Just.. leaving would make everyone happier! I’m worth-worthless and-”

“Hey, Changbin, cut it out. You’re not a burden, completely the opposite actually. You make us all so happy, you’re a great person to be around. We all love you so, so much. So much that it isn’t possible to put it into words, how much we- I love you.” The younger interrupted him, gently carding his fingers through Changbin’s hair.

“But I- I just make everyone mis-”

“No, Changbin, baby, stop that right now. You have no idea how happy you make us. Just please, please, please don’t do that again. I was so scared I would lose you…” Felix pulled the older even closer, rubbing his back in a soothing way to try to calm him down. Changbin shivered a little as Felix ran his hand along his spine and buried his head into the crook of the youngers neck. "Just please know I will always be here for you..."

Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here, for saving me, you have no idea how much I regret it. So after a few minutes, Changbin slowly drifted off to sleep, snuggling closer to Felix, hoping that the younger had meant what he said.

“Um, Chan? Did we like, I dunno, switch roommates or something without someone telling me?”

“No,” Chan answered. What sort of question was that? Of course they hadn’t switched roommates. “Why?”

“Because, Changbin and Felix might be all cuddled up together in Felix’s bed?”

“What? Why would Changbin be cuddled up with anyone? He like, growls, whenever one of us even gets close to him. But c’mon, if Changbin’s asleep, let him sleep, not even I know if he gets more than six hours of sleep a night.”

“Fine!” Grumbled Seungmin, sounding slightly disappointed that he wasn’t allowed to wake them up. “But I’m not coming back without blackmail pics!” At this the rest of the members laughed a little, and flopped onto the couch on top of each other.

Changbin woke to Felix shaking him gently and telling him it was time for dinner.

“Oh, I should also rebandage that, I did a pretty shitty job. So come on, get up.”

“Fine…” mumbled the older sleepily. “But only if I can come back here after dinner. I don’t ever want to sleep alone again.”

“Ok, I’d gladly let you come here whenever you want.” After reaching their agreement, Changbin rolled out of bed and stumbled after Felix to the bathroom where the younger had already cleaned up the blood of the floor.  
But no matter how gentle Felix was, Changbin couldn’t help wincing as he removed the bandage.

“Sorry, I’m sorry.” Felix whispered, his voice strained with concentration as he wrapped a fresh bandage around the older’s wrist and forearm.

“It’s fine. I’ll tell you if it hurts too much.” Changbin muttered back through gritted teeth, squeezing his eyes shut to try to keep his tears at bay.

But unfortunately for Changbin, it didn’t work, and a couple stray tears escaped anyways.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Felix kept mumbling repeatedly as he fastened that new bandage and got out some pain killers, handing them to the older. “Here, they’ll help.”

“Thank you...Um Felix?”

“Hmm,”

“There was something I wanted to tell you… but I never really had the chance to say it…”

“Go on…”

“So I didn’t let anyone get close to me but I was really rude to you and I feel like I hurt you but it’s because... because-” Changbin took a deep breath before finishing. “BecauseIloveyousomuchandIwishyouwouldlovemeback”

“Um, what? I do love you back, I thought we already established that. Hey, it’s ok…”

“No, I like… I love you in more than a friend way… like, I love love you-”

“Yeah, I know. I love you like that too. Why else would I um- well the point is, I do love you... so, um dinner…?”

“Sure, dinner and then I’m coming back and cuddling up with you because I love you and don’t want to spend another night without you. If that’s ok?”

“Of course it’s ok Changbin! And I’ll call you baby and take you to get ice cream tomorrow… if that’s ok?”

“I would love that.”


End file.
